I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
