I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You ruined the universe
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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