I can text with my tongue
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
