We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
