making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
