Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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