Im at strip club and am horny
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
