Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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