so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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