I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
