You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
