What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
It's official drugs can't kill me
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
