I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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