Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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