it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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