and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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