Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Randomize
