I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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