Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
