I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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