Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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