I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
