just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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