i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I am available for nakedness
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
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