Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
So squirting runs in the family.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Randomize