My liver just broke up with me...
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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