Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
