Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
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