Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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