everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
