why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
