i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
