i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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