just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
