dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
