i permit you to call me
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize
