Can i not drive my cunt home
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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