I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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