I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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