FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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