i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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