Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Randomize
