I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize