I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
