the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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