Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
