my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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