I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
