If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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