my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
