Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
