genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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