genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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