Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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