we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
