I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
