Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
