I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
