Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
