so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
