remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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