He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize