low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
