I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize